An ode to the thesaurus.
From the mountaintops, sang out the high strung choruses, “I love thesauruses!”
What is a thesaurus?
A beautifully intertwined web of words; a magical metaphor of ingeniously isotopic interconnections; a tool by which I can sound much smarter than I actually am.
What is a dictionary?
Who cares? I heave feculant turds at dictionaries everywhere! Can a dictionary hold my hand and guide me straight to magnificent words such as feculent? I think not. Dictionaries go on and on and on with labrynthine lexemes and serpentine phrases just to provide me with a garbage definition for words like byzantine. “Of or relating to Byzantium” does not help me. My sweet thesauri tell me with certain immediacy that it means convoluted.
What does a thesaurus do?
Kicks ass and condenses that shiz down to a list of little one-to-three-word, gift-wrapped gems, free for the taking. Don’t know what lexeme means? The dictionary bumbles on with a distressing sentence or three to verbosely explain what a thesaurus could tell me in two words, word family. For such hogwash, I simply do not have the time. Thanks thesaurus, you win again; dictionary, there’s a reason your prefix rhymes with dick.
Pardon any insult to your intelligence, but let’s pretend for a minute that you don’t know what anopisthograph means. Well, just head on over to your thesaurus! … It’ll just be a second now. It’s loading. Hm. There must be something wrong – It says there aren’t any hits. Oh. Um. Well, this is terribly embarrassing. How unfortunate for me to suggest a word that doesn’t have a synonym. Please pardon my mistake. Dictionaries, I apologize. I may have been too harsh on you. I hope we can still be friends. If it’s worth anything, to further your vindication, sweet dictionaries, those thes-whore-uses couldn’t help me with with saltation either.
That being said, as a writer, there is nothing better than a trusty thesaurus. It makes you look like a bad ass, or an ass hole. It’s all in your perspective.
I suppose dictionaries are cool too.
I read somewhere recently that if you love someone, you should express that sentiment by beginning and ending your sentences with “you”. While this suggestion is really stupid, the observations found above are as well. And thus, You, sweet thesaurus, I love you.
Notice: If you’re upset because I incorrectly used a possessive pronoun (thy) in the title, well, you win for being familiar with archaic language.